Glossary of Terms
Humans are inherently emotional creatures. To deny our emotions is to deny our humanity. There are core emotions, and then there are more granular iterations of those core feelings. For instance, frustration is an emotion rooted in anger. Relief is an emotion rooted in hope. Tolerance and politeness are emotions rooted in fear. Kindness is an emotion rooted in love.
Dealing with debt in an elevated and strategic manner requires accurately labeling the emotions and psychological behaviors prevalent with such economic patterns. We've created this glossary to help people on both sides of debt identify, validate and better understand how to respond to the circumstances they are facing.
Definition: To separate into isolated compartments or categories
Looks Like: Avoiding you in favor of other tasks
Sounds Like: “Let me take care of these other things first and then I’ll get to you”
Feels Like: Anger - Controlled
Definition:
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Refusal to admit the truth or reality of something (such as an account statement or fee charge)
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Assertion that an allegation is false
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Refusal to acknowledge a person or a thing
Looks Like: Avoidance
Sounds Like: “I never received that invoice” (meanwhile it’s been viewed multiple times), “You’re lying, I definitely paid that”
Feels Like: Fear - Threatened, Anger - Annoyed
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Definition: The redirection of an emotion or impulse from its original object (such as an idea or person) to another
Looks Like: Blaming everything around them for their mistakes
Sounds Like: “It’s my accountant’s fault for not paying you”
Feels Like: Anger - Powerless
Definition: To give rational form or content to
Looks Like: Making sense of a situation
Sounds Like: “Once I get a payment from my client, then I can pay you and get back on track”
Feels Like: Anger - Critical
Definition: Attributing thoughts, feelings, or behaviors to another person
Looks Like: Empathy
Sounds Like: “I would hate to be in that position so I know that client hates me because I sent them to collections”
Feels Like: Shame - Victimized
Definition: Attempting to explain or justify behavior or an attitude with logical reasons, even if these are not appropriate
Looks Like: Excuses, excuses, excuses
Sounds Like: “I couldn’t pay my invoices because inflation has just been crazy”
Feels Like: Fear - Helpless, Shame - Victimized
Definition: Expression of opposite feelings, sometimes to an exaggerated extent
Looks Like: Doing a complete 180º
Sounds Like: “I hate when my clients don’t pay me” *proceeds to not pay his own debts*
Feels Like: Anger - Hypocritical
Definition: A defense mechanism in which people seem to return to an earlier developmental stage
Looks Like: Throwing a temper tantrum over something, talking to a 6 year old
Sounds Like: Screaming on the phone because they aren’t getting their way
Feels Like: Anger - Frustrated
Definition: The exclusion of distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings from the conscious mind
Looks Like: Refusing to acknowledge a new lawsuit because she’s already lost one
Sounds Like: “I will not be talking to you about this because it’s absolutely ridiculous”
Feels Like: Fear - Anxious, Distrusting - Incredulous
Definition: Socially unacceptable impulses or idealizations are transformed into socially acceptable actions or behavior, possibly resulting in a long-term conversion of the initial impulse
Looks Like: Staying busy to overcome anxiety
Sounds Like: “I will get to your invoice as soon as I can get these other tasks done at work”
Feels Like: Lonely - Disconnected
Coping Mechanisms
Definition: A pattern characterized by exaggerated feelings of superiority, entitlement, self-importance, an obsessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy toward others
Looks Like: Blatant disregard for anyone else
Sounds Like: “I’m too busy to deal with this insignificant matter”
Feels Like: Anger - Entitled
Definition: Someone who craves admiration and importance, lacking empathy toward others but may act in a different way than an overt narcissist
Looks Like: Needing praise despite their shortcomings
Sounds Like: “Well I paid you on time before and I gave you a Christmas gift last year so that means I’m a good client! Just let this one slide”
Feels Like: Lonely - Unseen, Anger - Manipulated
Definition: An abusive person who finds pleasure in lying, manipulating, and using other people in order to get the things they want
Looks Like: Lack of empathy for others, expects to be treated like a superior, blames others for their bad behaviors
Sounds Like: “You’re just a freelancer, you don’t have the funds to chase this invoice down”
Feels Like: Anger - Manipulated
Narcissism
Definition: Changing the conversation from the subject matter to questioning the victim's thoughts and controlling the conversation
Looks Like: Not letting you speak and only doing what they want
Sounds Like: “I’m not going through this again” “Where did you get an idea like that?”
Feels Like: Anger - Irritated
Definition: The technique and putative process by which behavior is modified through a new association with a stimulus of an opposite valence
Looks Like: Holding off on rewarding until it suits them
Sounds Like: “I don’t care what the contract says, once we see positive results from this project, then we’ll pay you.”
Feels Like: Distrusting - Betrayed
Definition: Ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety
Looks Like: Someone who thinks too highly of themselves
Sounds Like: “I would never have unpaid invoices because that would mean my business isn’t doing well”
Feels Like: Distrusting - Doubtful, Shame - Humiliated
Definition: Making something seem less important, serious, or complex than it is
Looks Like: Making you feel insignificant in comparison to them
Sounds Like: “It’s just a small amount, don’t worry about it”
Feels Like: Anger - Critical
Definition: Willingly withdrawing affection with the specific goal to hurt or control someone
Looks Like: Holding something over you to get you to back down
Sounds Like: “I will not be giving you a good referral if you go through with this”
Feels Like: Anger - Manipulated
Gaslighting Techniques
Definition: A psychological phenomenon in which an individual's judgements or decisions are influenced by a reference point or "anchor" which can be completely irrelevant
Looks Like: Comparing situations to better suit their needs
Sounds Like: “Well my friend is only paying this much for her project so that’s all I’m going to pay you”
Feels Like: Distrusting - Betrayed
Definition: The tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms or supports one's prior beliefs or values
Looks Like: A client might only look for information that confirms their belief that a debt was paid while ignoring evidence to the contrary; not taking responsibility
Sounds Like: “I told my secretary to pay the invoice so it certainly was paid”
Feels Like: Anger - Manipulated, Shame - Disrespected
Definition: A pervasive cognitive bias that causes people to see their own behavioral choices and judgments as relatively common and appropriate to existing circumstances
Looks Like: They assume that their personal qualities, characteristics, beliefs, and actions are relatively widespread through the general population
Sounds Like: “It’s totally normal to take this long to pay invoices, don’t be ridiculous”
Feels Like: Pain - Pressured
Definition: The common tendency for people to perceive past events as having been more predictable than they were
Looks Like: Awareness, remorse
Sounds Like: “I knew that would happen”
Feels Like: Shame - Embarrassed, Guilt - Regret
Definition: Also known as availability bias, is a mental shortcut that relies on immediate examples that come to a given person's mind when evaluating a specific topic, concept, method, or decision.
Looks Like: Only believing what they think to be true
Sounds Like: “I don’t recall agreeing to that so it must not have happened”
Feels Like: Distrusting - Suspicious
Definition: A person's recall of episodic memories becomes less accurate because of post-event information
Looks Like: Confusion, altered memories
Sounds Like: “I thought we talked about this already. I thought you said it was taken care of”
Feels Like: Distrusting - Dubious